This is an incident that occurred while I was living in England many years ago, and returned to the U.S. for Christmas. Everything I tell you is true, I have proof because it is all on videotape.
First a bit of background. My plane ticket back to the U.S. had me stopping in New York (old York being located about 200 miles north of here). My cousin's were having a baptism for their daughter and my dad was attending so I thought I'd stop by and visit.
Now you're probably wondering why I would willingly attend a family function, especially one with religious connotations. The reason is that my cousins are not related by blood. The baby is technically my father's step-mother's nephew's granddaughter. I think that due to the fact that there is no blood relation we get along great.
So let me introduce the cast of characters and set the scene. For simplicity sake I call them Uncle Bobby, Aunt Ilene, and my cousins Andy, Maribeth, Matthew and Jennifer. The baby in question is Maribeth's and her husband Charlie. Jennifer was the Godmother and their friend Chris was the Godfather.
Now Maribeth and Charlie are not particularly religious, but they had been raised Catholic, and with the child's grandparents of Italian, Irish, and Polish heritage, there was going to be a Catholic Christening, no questions asked.
So first of all Maribeth and Charlie had to go and have a meeting with the priest to discuss what I presume to be the meaning of the ceremony. The priest wanted to know if they practiced formal prayer and attended services regularly. Maribeth is not your traditional Pat Buchanan Catholic. In fact she is an ardent articulate liberal feminist type. She believes her daughter is also a feminist as she refuses to be breast fed, considering it to be a perpetuation of the enslavement of women. This is really too bad, because Mairbeth has quite a set of hooters.
So anyway, she told the priest that she thought it was more imortant that the child be brought up to perform Christ like acts (you know, mercy, love, giving, etc.). The priest was not impressed or amused. They were not off to a good start with this priest.
The day of the Baptism everybody showed up at the church. I should now mention that the cermony was to be held in a church in Riverhead on Long Island. Riverhead is a nice place, but it is at the far end of Long Island from New York City. Actually, all of Long Island is nice, but as my Uncle Bobby says it's only downside is that you can't get off the island without going through New York City. Long Island is really long, about 150 miles or so (thus it's name, 'Long Island'), so Riverhead is kind of at the end of the world.
The church was traditional Polish Catholic, they must even still conduct services in Polish, because there was a Polish hymnal. I wandered around and marveled at the idols all over the church. I've read the bible about 5 times, but I still can't find the part where Jesus revoked the 2nd commandment about making graven images. Being brought up spartan German Lutheran, we were always secretly a bit jealous of the pomp and circumstance the Catholics got away with. They always had such cool robes and glittery sparkely objects. We were always so dour and boring.
So anyway, out walked the priest to light the candles. He was about 70 years old, but easily looked 90. He had some fancy automatic candle lighter, but couldn't get the candle to light. I took it upon myself to make a joke, I quiped, "All this modern technology can't even light a candle". The priest was not amused. In fact he shot me a glare which was clearly designed to whither me in my tracks. Humorless priest, hmmm.
So now it was time to begin. Unusually there was only one batism to perform, so it was just the family and friends standing around talking. Luckily for me the service wasn't going to be a full mass. The priest gently tried to get things going by snapping, "Can we get started?!" Everyone took their seats and Andy began filming the ceremony.
The priest began speaking, but I was sitting in the second row and couldn't understand what he was saying. I then realized he must be doing the Latin ceremony! I was proved wrong after a couple of minutes when I recognized a few English words. I still couldn't figure out what was being said or what was going on. Bobby later told me that he was following along in the book, and the priest was only reading about every third word. Later it became clear to me that there were three people who didn't want to be there that day, me, the baby, and the priest. After all it was Sunday, and there was football.
When the priest said "Emilie Kulesa", Maribeth interrupted, "That's Emilie Ilene Kulesa". Then a struggle for supremacy at the alter ensued that went something like this:
Priest: "It says Emilie Kulesa on the baptismal certificate".
Maribeth: "Well that's wrong. Her name is Emilie Ilene Kulesa".
Priest: "We'll use Emilie Kulesa"
Maribeth: "No, She's Emilie Ilene Kulesa, you need to change the certificate."
Priest: "O.K. I'll just white this out and insert Ilene"
Maribeth: "No, you'll retype up another certificate"
The priest relented and was making some sort of note. After all a Christening is supposed to be naming the baby, the least he could do was get the name right. Maribeth turned to look at somebody in the crowd, I assume her mother, and gave that kind of look of those who are amazed, angered, and confused all at the same time. The look said, "Can you believe this?"
After this Charlie must have made some sort of comment because Maribeth kicked him, right in front of everybody. Granted, it was just a side kick, she smacked her ankle against his shin, but a kick is a kick in my book. The priest paid no mind.
The priest quickly finished the service in record time with the crowd struggling to keep up with the "Hail's" and "Let it be done" at the right places. Everybody was still standing at the alter kind of wondering what to do next when Maribeth's mother, Ilene, stood up and announced he'd forgotten the thus and such ceremony. The priest said he didn't know that one. Whereupon Ilene took him into the office off to the side of the alter with the whole party in tow (Exit stage left). Chris tried to keep the crowd entertained while we all wondered what was going on. Inside the room, Ilene found the liturgy book, opened it to the correct section, and pointed out to the priest extactly what she was talking about.
The crowd shuffled back onstage (Enter from stage left) in front of the alter, and the priest, with book in hand, began the thus and such ceremony. Ilene, back in her pew, then stood up and interrupted again, "Not at the alter. In front of the Mother Mary". There was a shrine to Mary to the right of the alter. So the crowd now shuffled down to the shrine (Exit stage right) and the priest, again in record time, conducted the thus and such ceremony. When he was finished the priest looked at Ilene to make sure there was nothing else.
No wonder they don't alow female Priests.
So everything was finished and people exited the church in a sort of semi-shock and headed over to the reception. Bobby and Ilene rode with my dad and I and we all marveled at what had occurred. Bobby said he had never seen anything which so lacked spirituality. "No wonder the Babtists are doing so well!"
My idea was to take the child out before sunrise to a small meadow in some woods, lay her on the dewey grass and stand in a circle chanting her name while 7 white timber wolves sat outside the circle and howled a welcome to the sunrise. But my idea was considered far fetched.
Ilene proceded to tell us a story about how when she was pregnant with Maribeth in 1961(?), she was in church back in Smithfield (which is only a few miles from New York City)with her one year old Andy and a priest was giving a sermon. The sermon was about the starving children in Africa. He was very passionate about this and Andy clued into his emotion. Everytime this priest mentioned the starving children in Africa, Andy would let out a moan, "Ohhhhhh".
"The starving children in Africa!"
"Ohhhhhh!"
This happened a few times and the Priest was quite perturbed. Finally he halted his sermon and spake thus,"Will you please remove that child from the church? He's causing a disturbance!"
Ilene being the good obedient Catholic, akwardly (being great with child) grabbed Andy, waddled to the front of the church, genuflected, and exited. I forget, but I think it was really hot and humid that day just to add to her discomfort.
Well after the service the parishiners were outraged. They told the Bishop, "How dare he treat that poor pregnant woman like that!" The priest was never to conduct services there again. From that day forward he was banished to a church way out on the end of Long Island in Riverhead; never to be seen again until 34 years later when he would seek his revenge at the Christening of the family who had forced his exile, oh, so long ago.
First a bit of background. My plane ticket back to the U.S. had me stopping in New York (old York being located about 200 miles north of here). My cousin's were having a baptism for their daughter and my dad was attending so I thought I'd stop by and visit.
Now you're probably wondering why I would willingly attend a family function, especially one with religious connotations. The reason is that my cousins are not related by blood. The baby is technically my father's step-mother's nephew's granddaughter. I think that due to the fact that there is no blood relation we get along great.
So let me introduce the cast of characters and set the scene. For simplicity sake I call them Uncle Bobby, Aunt Ilene, and my cousins Andy, Maribeth, Matthew and Jennifer. The baby in question is Maribeth's and her husband Charlie. Jennifer was the Godmother and their friend Chris was the Godfather.
Now Maribeth and Charlie are not particularly religious, but they had been raised Catholic, and with the child's grandparents of Italian, Irish, and Polish heritage, there was going to be a Catholic Christening, no questions asked.
So first of all Maribeth and Charlie had to go and have a meeting with the priest to discuss what I presume to be the meaning of the ceremony. The priest wanted to know if they practiced formal prayer and attended services regularly. Maribeth is not your traditional Pat Buchanan Catholic. In fact she is an ardent articulate liberal feminist type. She believes her daughter is also a feminist as she refuses to be breast fed, considering it to be a perpetuation of the enslavement of women. This is really too bad, because Mairbeth has quite a set of hooters.
So anyway, she told the priest that she thought it was more imortant that the child be brought up to perform Christ like acts (you know, mercy, love, giving, etc.). The priest was not impressed or amused. They were not off to a good start with this priest.
The day of the Baptism everybody showed up at the church. I should now mention that the cermony was to be held in a church in Riverhead on Long Island. Riverhead is a nice place, but it is at the far end of Long Island from New York City. Actually, all of Long Island is nice, but as my Uncle Bobby says it's only downside is that you can't get off the island without going through New York City. Long Island is really long, about 150 miles or so (thus it's name, 'Long Island'), so Riverhead is kind of at the end of the world.
The church was traditional Polish Catholic, they must even still conduct services in Polish, because there was a Polish hymnal. I wandered around and marveled at the idols all over the church. I've read the bible about 5 times, but I still can't find the part where Jesus revoked the 2nd commandment about making graven images. Being brought up spartan German Lutheran, we were always secretly a bit jealous of the pomp and circumstance the Catholics got away with. They always had such cool robes and glittery sparkely objects. We were always so dour and boring.
So anyway, out walked the priest to light the candles. He was about 70 years old, but easily looked 90. He had some fancy automatic candle lighter, but couldn't get the candle to light. I took it upon myself to make a joke, I quiped, "All this modern technology can't even light a candle". The priest was not amused. In fact he shot me a glare which was clearly designed to whither me in my tracks. Humorless priest, hmmm.
So now it was time to begin. Unusually there was only one batism to perform, so it was just the family and friends standing around talking. Luckily for me the service wasn't going to be a full mass. The priest gently tried to get things going by snapping, "Can we get started?!" Everyone took their seats and Andy began filming the ceremony.
The priest began speaking, but I was sitting in the second row and couldn't understand what he was saying. I then realized he must be doing the Latin ceremony! I was proved wrong after a couple of minutes when I recognized a few English words. I still couldn't figure out what was being said or what was going on. Bobby later told me that he was following along in the book, and the priest was only reading about every third word. Later it became clear to me that there were three people who didn't want to be there that day, me, the baby, and the priest. After all it was Sunday, and there was football.
When the priest said "Emilie Kulesa", Maribeth interrupted, "That's Emilie Ilene Kulesa". Then a struggle for supremacy at the alter ensued that went something like this:
Priest: "It says Emilie Kulesa on the baptismal certificate".
Maribeth: "Well that's wrong. Her name is Emilie Ilene Kulesa".
Priest: "We'll use Emilie Kulesa"
Maribeth: "No, She's Emilie Ilene Kulesa, you need to change the certificate."
Priest: "O.K. I'll just white this out and insert Ilene"
Maribeth: "No, you'll retype up another certificate"
The priest relented and was making some sort of note. After all a Christening is supposed to be naming the baby, the least he could do was get the name right. Maribeth turned to look at somebody in the crowd, I assume her mother, and gave that kind of look of those who are amazed, angered, and confused all at the same time. The look said, "Can you believe this?"
After this Charlie must have made some sort of comment because Maribeth kicked him, right in front of everybody. Granted, it was just a side kick, she smacked her ankle against his shin, but a kick is a kick in my book. The priest paid no mind.
The priest quickly finished the service in record time with the crowd struggling to keep up with the "Hail's" and "Let it be done" at the right places. Everybody was still standing at the alter kind of wondering what to do next when Maribeth's mother, Ilene, stood up and announced he'd forgotten the thus and such ceremony. The priest said he didn't know that one. Whereupon Ilene took him into the office off to the side of the alter with the whole party in tow (Exit stage left). Chris tried to keep the crowd entertained while we all wondered what was going on. Inside the room, Ilene found the liturgy book, opened it to the correct section, and pointed out to the priest extactly what she was talking about.
The crowd shuffled back onstage (Enter from stage left) in front of the alter, and the priest, with book in hand, began the thus and such ceremony. Ilene, back in her pew, then stood up and interrupted again, "Not at the alter. In front of the Mother Mary". There was a shrine to Mary to the right of the alter. So the crowd now shuffled down to the shrine (Exit stage right) and the priest, again in record time, conducted the thus and such ceremony. When he was finished the priest looked at Ilene to make sure there was nothing else.
No wonder they don't alow female Priests.
So everything was finished and people exited the church in a sort of semi-shock and headed over to the reception. Bobby and Ilene rode with my dad and I and we all marveled at what had occurred. Bobby said he had never seen anything which so lacked spirituality. "No wonder the Babtists are doing so well!"
My idea was to take the child out before sunrise to a small meadow in some woods, lay her on the dewey grass and stand in a circle chanting her name while 7 white timber wolves sat outside the circle and howled a welcome to the sunrise. But my idea was considered far fetched.
Ilene proceded to tell us a story about how when she was pregnant with Maribeth in 1961(?), she was in church back in Smithfield (which is only a few miles from New York City)with her one year old Andy and a priest was giving a sermon. The sermon was about the starving children in Africa. He was very passionate about this and Andy clued into his emotion. Everytime this priest mentioned the starving children in Africa, Andy would let out a moan, "Ohhhhhh".
"The starving children in Africa!"
"Ohhhhhh!"
This happened a few times and the Priest was quite perturbed. Finally he halted his sermon and spake thus,"Will you please remove that child from the church? He's causing a disturbance!"
Ilene being the good obedient Catholic, akwardly (being great with child) grabbed Andy, waddled to the front of the church, genuflected, and exited. I forget, but I think it was really hot and humid that day just to add to her discomfort.
Well after the service the parishiners were outraged. They told the Bishop, "How dare he treat that poor pregnant woman like that!" The priest was never to conduct services there again. From that day forward he was banished to a church way out on the end of Long Island in Riverhead; never to be seen again until 34 years later when he would seek his revenge at the Christening of the family who had forced his exile, oh, so long ago.
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