The Maharaja

Kovi and I are staying at the Raj Palace in Jaipur. It was recommended by my friend Laura who stayed here a couple of years ago. I’d grown tired of living like a real Indian and wanted to spend a few days in a place where I knew I wouldn’t be poisoned.

Jaipur is in the state of Rajasthan, a dry, dusty, desert area in the west of India. It is known for it’s forts and the Pink Palace. The Pink Palace has been used in around 400 movies, so you might recognize it. Actually everywhere I go in Jaipur I feel like I’m in an Indiana Jones movie.

http://www.google.co.in/images?hl=en&q=pink+palace+jaipur&um=1&ie=UTF-8&source=univ&ei=nbEYTI_2DoKVrAeUn8DjAQ&sa=X&oi=image_result_group&ct=title&resnum=5&ved=0CCUQsAQwBA

About 150 years ago, Prince Albert, Queen Victoria’s husband, visited Jaipur and the Maharaja told everyone on the main drag to paint their houses pink with white trim. It works around here, what with all the desert, and so now it is a law.

The Raj Palace was the palace of a Maharaja years ago and has been converted into a Heritage Hotel. Heritage Hotels are a special breed of hotel that were once something else, like a palace, and are high end places.

The palace is about the size of a football field, has 40 suites, seven courtyards, tons of hallways, and a staff of 105. In their top suite the furniture is silver and the trimming 24 karat gold leaf. They have a dessert here for $500 that includes a checkup by a doctor and gold leaf sprinkled on top. The place is exotic and beautiful. It has won an award for the best Heritage Hotel in the WORLD for the last three years running. Check out the pictures, especially number nine of the expensive suite.

http://www.rajpalace.com/photo-gallery.html

So why am I giving such a big send up of the Raj Palace? Because we are the only people here. We have it all to ourselves. Why? Because it is off season and approximately one hundred and fourteen thousand fucking degrees outside. During the tourist season this place gets packed with Russian oligarchs and Dubai sheiks, but today it is ruled by two middle class ne’er-do-wells who just want a bed. They now call me the Maharaja of the Raj Palace, because I’m paying, so I have 105 retainers at by beck and call.

The staff has nothing else to do except hover around us, wanting to make our every moment special. They place all new flowers around the hotel every day, just for us. They put out the croquet set as well, just in case we decide we feel like we have to have a game. They bow constantly as we pass. Sometimes I have to count each of my return bows to make sure I got everybody. My back is killing me.

At dinner last night we had to shoo them away. Now instead of beggars looking at us trying to figure out what we could give them, the staff examines our every move, trying to figure out what they could give us. I am highly aware that in the midst of all this poverty and hunger (including my own sometimes) they need to keep every item on this luxurious menu fresh and on hand in case we order it. This is highly uncomfortable for a middle class guy who normally eats leftovers alone watching reruns of ‘Friends’.

We sat alone in a large dining hall decked with the largest crystal chandelier in India. There were sixteen of them made, fifteen of them ended up with the Sultan of Brunei (of course he added emeralds and rubies to his) and the last one is here. Silver and gold leaf decks everything. A teenaged boy sat outside playing a local instrument serenading us. It would have been quite romantic if I’d been with Inga and her heavenly lotions instead of Kovi.

When it came time for dessert Kovi ordered ice cream with mint sauce and chocolate sauce mixed together. The gold leaf dessert was not good enough for him. They did not have mint sauce, only pure mint. He sat and lectured them on how they should get the mint sauce and then they’d have a really good dessert. They listened enthusiastically, after all this was a close friend of the Maharaja talking, and said they would consider it, they are always willing to change for the better. I sincerely hope they don’t take our petty bourgeois ideas seriously.

I found out the top suite goes for $13,000 for two days. If I’d known it was that cheap I would have booked it. I’m also told that next year they are creating another suite that will go for $70,000 for two days. That’s only $35,000 per night. Cheap, if you’re a Russian Oligarch.

The honeymoon’s over, I’ve just returned from a stroll around my palace grounds and found a pigeon nest above an entranceway, had the groundskeeper flogged. It’s tough love, but I will not tolerate laxity if we are to maintain our status as the best Heritage Hotel in the world. We’re not dropping the ball on my watch, we can’t let up for a minute. A guy could get used to being Maharaja.

So I can hear you all wondering, ‘How much did you pay for a Maharaja’s Palace, the best Heritage Hotel on Earth?’ Well on Expedia it was $215 a night, plus tax. So if you ever want an entire Maharaja’s Palace to yourself I recommend you wait until the off season and book a room at the Raj Palace in Jaipur. You have my guarantee as a Maharaja it will be worth it.