It looks so benign from afar
Palace in the lake
The first thing to greet me in the morning, swastikas.
We’ve seen the major spots of Jaipur and so this morning I wanted to see the Ganesh Temple. I saw it over my Palace walls last night as it was pointed out by Gauwar the Palace manager. Gauwar is the penultimate Indian Hotel manager, intelligent, polite to a fault, soft spoken, and a big smile. We’ve taken to talking to him as there are no other guests around. I couldn’t see the Temple well, but it looked fairly close by and it looked big.
So I insisted we visit it this morning. I’ve been disappointed by the Hindu temples here, I’ve seen pictures of so many over the years, and I know there are some giant ones in the south, but the ones in the north have been small and boring, with the exception of Haridwar of course. Somehow I knew this Ganesh Temple would be different.
Our driver told us that temple had 100 stairs. All the better I thought, it must be a really big temple, and all the stairs made it extra holy, you really have to wanna go. So we drove through a bad neighborhood to get to the base of the steps. We jumped out and of course were immediately inundated with the standard hawkers and touts, that’s a good sign, lots of people must come here.
We started up the 100 stairs and I couldn’t see the temple anywhere, it must be around the bend. Luckily it was early morning, so the temperature had yet to reach one hundred degrees. It’s a dry heat, so you have no idea you’ve sweated away a gallon of water and are near heat stroke until you collapse.
One of the problems when climbing up a hill or a mountain is you always think the top is around the next bend. We walked up the path and one hundred steps and were exhausted and sweating profusely. While there were steps, there were also large sections where you just walked uphill at a steep angle. Everybody we passed said the same thing and we had to repeat it, “Yah Ganesh”. I guess it’s the same as ‘Go ‘Niners. The temple must be around the next bend.
We climbed and climbed. It turned out there were close to 400 steps plus the incline. Poor Kovi was breathing heavy and sweating like a pig. I kept apologizing and saying we can go down, but he just kept saying, “Idril, I have to thank you, you’re bringing me to God”. The worst part is that he was serious. You may be seeing God in a few minutes if your ticker gives out, Kovi.
We rounded a bend and up on a hill I saw a large non-descript building with a giant swastika on it.
The first day they put me in the condo I had a little start when I looked at the calendar on my wall, there were two swastikas on it. The swastika is an ancient Hindu symbol signifying luck or an auspicious start. It is on the hand of Ganesh, the Elephant God. When Hindu’s pray to Ganesh it is generally for some new change in their lives.
Adolph Hitler, being the evil genius that he was, reversed the direction of the arms from clockwise to counter clockwise and perched it on one end as a symbol of the Nazi party. How apropos for the Nazis to take a good luck symbol and reverse it. Until he died and the symbol vanquished there was nothing but bad luck for the rest of the world.
So even though I know intellectually that it is a different symbol, my gut still tightens when I see it. It doesn’t help that I’ve got enough Jewish blood to be eligible for Nazi extermination. One Jewish grandparent is all you need.
To make it worse the swastika is everywhere here. It greets me in the morning as I wake up, it greets me in the markets, it even greets me in Holy temples. Germany has banned the symbol in the country, India embraces it.
The temple is high on a hill. There’s no real architectural interest to it, it’s just a square building. What I thought was the lighted outline of a large temple close by my palace was the lights from a far away temple on a hilltop. And the hilltop is easily 600-800 feet of climbing.
We reach the top with the exhaustion of true pilgrims and take off our shoes. This taking off the shoe stuff is getting irritating, I don’t know why they insist my bare feet get soiled with their dirty floors.
People are bowing and touching the first step, I try to do the same, but I daren’t bow my head down, my senses are heightened. I’m on the lookout for Nazis. The words of John Belushi in the Blues Brothers kept repeating in my brain, “Nazis, I hate Nazis”.
Up the stairs I see a group of people crowding around and praying in front of a small alcove. I can see a priest sitting there taking the donations and keeping the incense going. Priests sure have an easy time of it here, no dealing with people’s confessions, no pregnant nuns, no bingo nights. They just take the money, chant away, and keep the incense going.
But what the heck? This is the Ganesh temple, where’s Ganesh? I make my way forward, of course I have to push and shove my way forward, this is India, there’s no sense of waiting your turn, and peer in. There, ten feet away against the far wall, is a small foot high standard ceramic issue statue of Ganesh.
That’s it?! That’s what I climbed up 600 feet for?! This is what I risked my life for? This is why Kovi is close to a cardiovascular event? A foot high statue of Ganesh? And I can’t even see it as it’s so far away? And people are seriously praying to it? Do you people not know how religion is supposed to work? Lots of gold, silver, jewels, art work. Have the Catholics had no influence on you at all?
And Kovi’s very happy to be here too.
“Idril, I have to thank you, you brought me to God”
You call that a God? If you’re going to worship an idol at least make it a good idol. Hell, at least Aaron made a golden calf. Haven’t you guys seen St. Peters? Mecca? The Golden Temple? Wealth and art is what religion is about. Jeez.
I left Kovi and made my way around the temple. Not much to see really, but a good view of Jaipur from the roof. On a faraway lake there is a palace that was built in the middle of it. The only way out there is by boat. It’s currently closed, but someday will reopen to Dubai Sheiks and Russian Oligarchs, I’m sure. This time they’ll keep the Expedia people out.
After a last look at Jaipur, I turned to go and I found myself face to face with two Nazi guards. They seized me and took me down a hidden staircase. I was taken to an evil looking officer and thrown on the floor.
“How did you find us?” he announced.
“Whaddya mean, ‘How did you find us?’”, I asked, “There’s a giant swastika on the temple”.
“Yes, we’ve been meaning to paint that over”, he mumbled, “But why did you come here? No Americans come here in the summer time, it is a death trap.”
“I’m not too bright”, I admitted.
“Well we will see what the Fuhrer says. He wants to meet you.”
“The Fuhrer?”
I was led away down into a large complex. There seemed to be a lot of activity with lots of people with computers and headsets.
We finally made it into a large paneled room with a large desk at one end. Behind it sat a bald man with hawklike eyes.
“Cheney?” I said out loud. They led me forward.
Cheney spoke, “So Idril, we meet at last”.
“Is this where you were hiding out for seven and a half years?” I asked.
Cheney slammed the table, “My life was in danger! I was the most important person in the world and everybody wanted to kill me. America needed me! Without me you would be lost!” He yelled.
“You know, America has lasted for two hundred years and lost many Presidents. The concept that you politicians are indispensable is ridiculous”.
“Silence! We have very important work to do. You see, the end of Western Civilization is at hand. We’ve spent ourselves broke, we’ve got ourselves involved in expensive wars we cannot win, and we’ve polluted and hunted nature to extinction.”
“Wait a minute, you did that!” I said angrily, pointing at him.
Cheney smiled, “All part of the plan. See, people have to be broken before they can be controlled. As long as they are happy and productive they are secure, independent, and cannot be ruled effectively. We had to end the prosperity. Once fear takes hold they will grasp at anything. And that anything will be us.”
“But why here in India? Why aren’t you in a cave in the U.S.?”
“Because all the world’s computers are controlled from here. Everything is outsourced to India. Control the world’s computers and you control the world. My people control all the major companies of the world. Control of the Social Networking sites will seal the deal. We can track anybody and everybody, tell them to show up for a party, and seize them all. A flash mob becomes a mass arrest. Via Facebook we will guide a takeover of the world!”
“You’re mad” I said, but it did sound plausible. “What do you need me for?”
“You? You’re nothing. It’s your father we want, with you as hostage he will have no other choice but to work for us. You see, the most important computers in the world belong to the World Bank, the Central Banks, and the Governments”
“So what? He has no access to any of that.”
“We can get him access. I have the best hackers in the world working for me.”
“So why do you need him?”
Cheney sighed, I obviously didn’t get it. “He knows COBOL. Those damn computers were programmed decades ago, none of these Indian guys know it. Java? Oracle? C++? No problem. But COBOL? Too old.” He tapped a pencil on his desk distractedly.
“It will never work”, I said confidently, “People won’t fall for you”
Cheney laughed. “We botched two wars costing countless lives and money, destroyed an American city, crashed the world economy while bailing out the rich, and packed the Supreme Court with people who declared corporations have unlimited money to influence elections, and still”, he paused for emphasis, ”forty percent of Americans think we did a good job.”
He let that sink in, but I think his face showed a little sadness.
“This”, he continued, coming back to life and motioning to the computers, “will be cake”.
“So I gotta know”, I wondered, “You guys let Bin Laden go at Tora Bora on purpose didn’t you? Even the dumbest cop on the beat knows to surround the house with the perpetrator and not let him escape.”
He looked at me incredulously, “Of course. Once Bin Laden and Al Zawahiri were dead then America will start questioning why we needed to be in all these bush wars.” He laughed, “Ha! Ha! Get it? Bush Wars!” He doubled over, pounding the table, gasping for breath. “Ha! Ha! Ha! I kill me”.
I gulped, I had to change the subject.
“How did you know I’d be here?” I queried.
Cheney looked up, “Ravi”.
“Ravi?” I was surprised, “He’s just a cockroach.”
“He’s OUR cockroach”, he answered, “He’s been reporting on your movements for weeks. Actually they’re all ours. Remember the restaurants in Haridwar with the cockroaches on the wall? Remember the restaurant in Chandigar with the cockroach behind the condiments? The closets? The bathrooms? Cockroaches in India are the best network one could have. They’re all on our side, plus they know if we accidentally kick off WW III, they get to rule the world.”
I had to admit, he had all his bases covered. It all began to sink in.
Just then the door burst open and there stood Ravi with a few dozen of what I presumed were his relatives, all armed and dangerous.
“Let him go Dick!”
“Ravi! What are you doing?” Cheney demanded.
“Rescuing Idril” Ravi answered.
“But why Ravi?” I asked, “You were reporting on me”
“You left banana peels for me on the sink.”
“They were in a garbage bag” I insisted.
“Still, it’s the thought that counts.”
"What's with the kevlar?" I asked, "You've already got a shell".
"Yeah", Ravi replied, "But a cockroach in a flack jacket looks really badass".
The Nazi’s didn’t fight back. They knew that fighting cockroaches was futile. Ravi and his Company of Indian cockroaches pulled me out of the Nazi Temple of Doom, grabbed Kovi, and brought us back to my palace. At the front gate we shook hands and parted.
“Sorry Ravi, the Raj Palace is the best Heritage Hotel in the world. No cockroaches allowed, not even in the kitchen.”
“That’s okay”, he answered, “I’ve got to get back home and check on the kids, all four hundred of them.”
“Not to sound ungrateful”, I added, “But you still only get the kitchen and livingroom. Any of your relatives in my bedroom or bathroom I squash.”
“It’s a deal.” Ravi replied, “As long as you keep leaving out those banana peels.” He started to walk away then thought of something and turned back to me, “By the way, are you ever going to clean that film of pigeon poop on the floor? My wife’s been bugging me.”
